Back on the bandwagon

I am in a mood today. I just feel yucky. It started last night. Ok, funny story. Tuesday morning I put on a bracelet that a friend of mine gave me in September when she got married. It was supposed to have some kind of healing qualities or something. Well, I’m a bit skeptical, so I was like whatever, but pretty bracelet. Well, I’m a big girl, so the bracelet fit a little snug and I was wearing a medic alert bracelet at the time so I put it in my jewelry box for someday. Well, I decided to wear it on Tuesday just for shits and grins and figured that if it got too tight I would just take it off. So I’m driving to pick up the kids after work and am thinking about the great mood I had been in all day and that it had been a while since I had felt so good. And as I’m turning the steering wheel I see the bracelet and remember that I had it on. And I think that my mood must have something to do with the bracelet. I know, I’m skeptical, but whatever, right? So I decided to wear it again on Wednesday. Again, good mood all day. Except in the evening. I was literally trying to figure out when I took the darn bracelet off and when I started feeling yucky to see if there was some correlation. So today’s Thursday and I put the bracelet on hoping that it would help clear up my mood. So far no such luck. Ho hum.

Keeping my eating under control was SO much easier when I was pregnant. I keep thinking to myself that I can’t stop eating and then the other part of my brain tells me that yes I can indeed control myself. Just sort of goes to show me that I can always put other people first, but I rarely put myself first.

So this morning I decide that my goal for the day is not only to test my blood sugar after every meal since I have really been slacking in that area since the baby was born, but also to resist the sweets and snacks temptation. Seems like for the past two months all I want to do is eat. I really thought that as soon as I got back to work and wasn’t at home feeling bored all the time that my eating would even out and I would be able to get back on the bandwagon. Well, I was wrong. It’s just the same. So I ate a TON of candy yesterday. My rationale was that the faster I eat it the faster it will be gone and the faster I won’t have to be bothered with it. Why didn’t I throw it away? Because it was chocolate and it tasted too damn good. So this morning my fasting sugar was 121! Ho-ly Shit! Yesterday or the day before it was 109 and while that was high, it was still within range and I could live with it. But 121! So I tried to think about what I had eaten for dinner and snack last night and it was nothing bad. So that candy must have really stuck with me all freaking day. So even though I told myself I needed to drink water all day I got a soda this morning from Sonic, but I got extra ice in it so that I could munch on it instead of sweets. But, man, I still got out the gummy bears! What is it with me?

I can’t wait for the baby to get on more of a schedule and to sleep through the night so that I can get back to walking. I really miss it and I know that it will help my blood sugar so, so much. Plus, I want to lose at least another 20 lb. and eating like I have been and not exercising just isn’t helping my weight either. I’m pretty sure I was down to 197 at some point since the baby was born because I remember thinking that I had lost 51 lb. Now I’m hovering between 200 and 205. Which is still pretty darn good seeing as a year ago I was 248. Wow, that just hit me. It’s been a year since I was diagnosed with diabetes.

Ok, so maybe I’m being a little hard on myself this morning, but with good reason, I think. Seeing as where I’ve been in the last two months, I need to more or less quit eating cold turkey. But I’m eating my Sonic ice, which is really helping and I only had a handful of gummy bears. I had a Nutri Grain bar as my snack and I’ll eat lunch earlier than usual. I’ve been told that diabetes won’t or shouldn’t have any affect on my milk supply and production, but I just can’t help wonder if that’s part of the problem. And there’s really not a problem, it’s just that the baby eats sort of funny sometimes and I don’t get consistent amounts of milk when I pump. I told the sitter this morning that I’m only going to pump once because it’s too frustrating to pump for 20 minutes and make my nipples incredibly sore and only get less than 4 oz.

So part of my new goals is to write down everything I eat like I did when I was pregnant. That seemed to help. So I’ve done that today. My post breakfast reading was 137, which is high, but not bad considering I started at 121. So my post lunch reading, even with gummy bears this morning, was 92. I’m SO happy with that. So hopefully that will be motivation for me to keep on the straight and narrow for the rest of the day. There are two cookies in the printer room and I’m trying to resist. I had one this morning and I think the only reason I would have another one is because it’s there. I need to think about a snack for this afternoon, though, because I’ll be leaving in 45 minutes to go nurse the baby and I’ll definitely need something to eat either before or after. Considering getting another soda since I’m about out of ice.