On and off the wagon rollercoaster

Ok I fell off the wagon last night and had Hardee’s for dinner, but I’m blaming it on my husband since he didn’t get dinner ready. Heehee. Anyway. But my sugars are rocking today, so far. My fasting was 105, which isn’t great, but not bad. I had my regular breakfast—1/2 of a peanut butter sandwich with Smucker’s natural peanut butter and just a little bit of strawberry jelly and a small glass of milk—and two hours later I’m only 106. Weird, but cool. I would have eaten a snack already, but I don’t have anything! I haven’t been to the store in two weeks, so I’m out of all my normal snack things. I do have some cheese and crackers that I brought for my afternoon snack, but I think I’m going to eat it this morning and figure out something else for my afternoon snack. I’m on a roll so far! I did get a soda this morning, but, again, I got extra ice so I can munch on that instead of dying for candy. I keep thinking that I haven’t really accounted for the fact that I’m breastfeeding in terms of how much of an appetite I have. And probably one reason it feels so weird is that I didn’t breastfeed my older children exclusively. So by the time I went back to work, the kids were getting a mix of formula and breastmilk.

I know I mentioned this already, but I really can’t wait to start walking again. I feel so light and quick sometimes that I makes me feel good to just walk down the hall or from my car to my desk. I know that it wouldn’t give me license to eat with wild abandon, but it would give me a little more leeway when I do splurge.

I was just talking to my boss who saw that I had a cookie on my desk. We started talking about the downward spiral I seem to be in. I assured her that while I did more or less take a six week break from diabetes that the last two days have really been good for me. Ok, so I had two double cheeseburgers, curly fries and two candy bars last night, but that’s not really the point is it? The point is that that was my only badness yesterday; the rest of the day I was right on track. And today? So far my only splurge has been that cookie, which wasn’t as “sinful” as it was described. Nonetheless, I’m off to get another one. Bad! Bad!

3:30 p.m.—devastating news

Mom just called and said that my brother called Dad to tell him they’re not pregnant. Brother was crying, mom was crying and now I’m about to cry. They’ve been trying for a long time. This was their first round of IVF; three eggs were implanted. I think they have two more, but Mom and I don’t remember what “package” they paid for, so we don’t know if they’ll be able to implant the other two or not. I’ve prayed for them. I know my other brother has prayed for them. I had people in my online community pray for them. I don’t know what God’s plan is for them and there’s nothing I can say to make them feel better. I just wish God would let them be parents. I know they’ll be good ones. They love kids and dote on my children. I just have to keep praying for them.