Monday, May 15, 2006

I officially hate this @$%&* disease!

I don't know what took me so long, frankly, but The Big D finally broke me.

I'm so exasperated at doing everything right and getting the most bizaare numbers and being surprised by high numbers.
*Normal fasting, normal breakfast, normal post-breakfast reading, normal snack, normal lunch, wacked out post-lunch reading.

I'm tired of going low two days in a row for no apparent reason.
*See aforementioned normal, normal, wacked out rant. Someone needs to tell my pancreas that a 140 reading at 4 p.m. does not constitute an eat-a-handful-of-Skittles low at 6 p.m., and that a Kudos "granola bar" laden with chocolate and sugar at 2 p.m. does not warrant an eat-three-cookies-from-the-Great-American-Cookie-Co. low at 5 p.m.!

I'm sick and tired of testing my sugar three times with the same drop of blood and getting three different readings.
*Today's post lunch readings: 183, 204, 187. (None of which made ANY sense at all seeing as I had no snack this morning and a normal lunch. My only guess is that I'm still hanging on to some birthday cake from last night, but that's another post for another day. A 9 a.m. meeting got in the way of my post-breakfast reading.)

I'm tired of being hungry all the time.
*Today's lunch consisted of a sandwich on extra fiber bread and a rather large salad--my typical lunch. I feel as if I haven't eaten all day--my typical day. I hate knowing that I will stop for a snack when I leave to go feed the baby even though I've already had a granola bar (the good kind, not a Kudos).

I'm tired of having to get up at 5 a.m. because that's the only time of day I can find to exercise. (I'm not tired, however, of actually exercising because I quite like that.)
*Averaging six hours of sleep a night really makes me crabby.

I'm tired of feeling low when I'm actually not.
*The shakes have Got. To. Go!


At 2:42 PM, Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Hi M,

Sorry for the late comment - I flagged it as one I wanted to comment on right away, and am just now getting back to it.

I believe that diabetes is one of the most mentally exhausting diseases that exist.

It's the mental aspect of it that is my biggest demon. I swing back and forth so far so fast, in terms of motivation and self care vs. reckless and destructive behaviour. It's terribly challenging to have this constant pressure to do good.

It's completely normal to have periods of time where you get fed up and frustrated. I don't have an easy answer for how to pull yourself up and out of that, but trying to spend as little time in the down periods as possible will be what you're shooting for.

I have found that for myself, I simply must get a solid 8 or 9 hours of sleep per night. That is next to impossible. But if I'm well rested I am resilient and mentally well equipped to deal with the challenges we face.

I truly wish I had an easy solution for you - but I don't. Managing diabetes can really be the shits sometimes.

Try not to over analyze things - there will be lots of times where you think you have it figured out, but then you'll be thrown for a loop. Maybe better to look for patterns and trends, then break those down. I don't know - just some thoughts.

Also just wanted to drop a comment to let you know that you are not alone with this, and the online community of bloggers are really helpful and very special people (you included!).

Keep us posted!

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Michko said...

Thanks, Scott. I had been reading about so many other people going through this and thinking geez that's not me i'm so lucky. i hear you on the mental aspect. i think one reason i eat so much is because that makes me feel in control. i know that sounds weird because i can have control by NOT eating, as well, but i guess we all have our demons. thanks for the support.

At 10:21 AM, Blogger caramaena said...

Hi michko,

commenting on an old post of yours, but I just found your blog and am reading random posts.

I just wanted to say that this post really resonated with me. I have type 2 diabetes as well. Some days I can't make any sense of my readings as well.

Though I must admit - liking exercising is a bit alien to me ;)


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