Wednesday, May 17, 2006

It's taken me just over a year, but I'm finally so pissed off at diabetes that I want to slam it into a wall and beat the living daylights out of it. I can just imagine repeatedly punching it in the stomach, cocking my arm all the way back to Texas and ramming it into D's nose, grabbing it by the ears and repeatedly pounding its head into the wall until blood just spews from its head. I feel so hollow and like I'm drowning and suffocating at the same time. I want to scream and cry uncontrollably and get a snotty face and hyperventilate until I purge this thing from my body. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And I want it to be gone.

I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like this from time to time. How do you deal with it? Right now, I want to eat a fast food restaurant followed by a Baskin Robbins. Then I think I'd like a good cry followed by a nap. And then I think I'd like to do it all over again tomorrow.


At 5:26 PM, Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

This is, to me, the hardest part of dealing with diabetes.

I wish I had some real solid concrete advice on how to manage. But, I don't. I'm sorry.

If you can, find a therapist who knows about type 1 diabetes. This will prove to be a very valuable asset. I'm starting to make some real progress with the person I'm seeing, and she may be the most valuable person right now in my care team. Often neglected in those of us with diabetes.

I swing through periods on both ends of the spectrum. Maybe just knowing the extreme and tangible feelings won't last forever will help a little.

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Michko said...

Thanks, Scott. Just venting in a number of ways yesterday helped me feel so much better. By the end of the day I was almost completely turned around.

It's interesting to me, and I had planned to post about this at one point, that I had read a lot of blogs about the anger that others had and the mental breakdowns they had about diabetes. And I kept thinking how lucky I was because I hadn't had any breakdowns yet. So I guess it was just a matter of time, really.

I am so thrilled, though, to have such a supportive D community. It was really therapeutic to be able to post that and know that everyone who read it would be sitting there nodding their heads like "yup, been there."

At 4:06 PM, Blogger SaintMartha said...

I found your blog through a posting you did on Beautiful Diabetic. I can certainly relate to how you feel. I hate this stupid disease. I find that so much of the time I try to live in denial and then later pay the price with higher than normal readings. It's funny in a way because when I was first diagnosed (last summer) I did everything so well...I was like a diabetic nazi...I counted carbs like they were thousand dollar bills, not to be spent foolishly! I walked and walked and walked for miles on end. And then came the fateful day of a quickie drive-thru at McDonalds. The die was once again cast...I really hate it. I hate trying to be disciplined when in fact it goes against my very nature.
So...the moral of this story is I do understand....

At 11:37 AM, Blogger Sam I am said...

yep... shaking my head.. I totally know where you are coming from, can relate, etc. etc. etc. Having my own funk right now just wanting to beat up D sounds like a good plan.


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