My life on my sleeve

It’s no secret, I don’t think, that, to be frank, I’m not taking care of myself. I’m not really paying attention to my diabetes. Which is really probably why my blog entries have trickled down to once every 10 or 14 days. And even then, it’s nothing significant.

I feel like on some level I’m getting farther and farther away from the ideal D spot. But on other levels, I’m getting closer to where I actually need to be. Yesterday, I achieved several major accomplishments. First, I checked my blood sugar four times. Well, five, actually since I didn’t believe that my post-breakfast number was over 200. Remembering the lotion I had just put on, I washed my hands, tested again and got a more sensible number. Not an in-range number, but a more likely one.

My fasting number was around 100, I had a normal breakfast of half a sandwich with Smucker’s Natural Peanut Butter and a dab of strawberry jelly on 100% whole wheat bread. I washed it down with orange-flavored Crystal Light, which, by the way, is gross. It’s no substitute for orange juice, that’s for darn sure. I had a snack mid-morning and then a decent lunch. The munchy monsters came calling mid-afternoon, though. I did fairly well considering what I normally eat. I had two graham crackers and then about two hours later I had a mini bag of popcorn. Certainly not enough to send me over the edge, but definitely more than I should have had. At least I know that much. And then I caved. I had two small pieces of chocolate. They weren’t even really that good; they were just there.

I had to grab a quick dinner (a turkey sandwich and a handful of Doritos) since I had a meeting at 6:30. After I got home, after I put the kids to bed, after I talked to The Mr. for a bit, I checked my sugar. It was roughly two hours post dinner, give or take a few minutes. I was very, very surprised to see 294. Enter frustration. I had to remind myself that I had really only been “good” for less than a day, that my body was still dealing with crap from the last several months, that I had to be patient. But still, I thought that almost topping 300 was really not necessary.

Yet another almost-milestone of late: Last week I actually set out my clothes and coat for an early morning walk before I went to bed. Those items haven’t really been touched since I got them out, but for me it’s a start. (Some have asked me why I don’t just walk in the evenings. I prefer to walk in the mornings because evenings are usually eaten up with getting three kids to bed and taking care of the house. Oh, and if I should muster some free time, I might get to write or do something crafty.) Last night was the first time in a while that I really thought seriously about getting up in the morning for a walk. But, more excuses, this was only the second weekday morning after the time change and getting up at 5:30 a.m. is “really” 4:30 a.m. and I just knew my body wasn’t going to budge.

However, this morning, after reading about the MapMyRun tool from Google on Sara in West Palm's site, I mapped my tried and true walking route. It was neat to see how far I can go. I had tried to measure my route by driving my car, but with several one-way streets along the way the measurement wasn’t really accurate. So, although I realized my 30-minute walk was “only” 1.57 miles and not closer to 2 miles, it still served as a little inspiration. I’m thinking much harder about actually getting up tomorrow. (My mom once told me that it takes something like three weeks to establish a habit (like an exercise routine) and only three days to break it.)

Another move in the right direction: this morning while I was milling around before leaving for work, I thought to myself that I really had plenty of time in the mornings to go for a walk. And that I didn’t even really have to get up all that much earlier since I essentially had time to kill without getting up earlier than usual. (And sheesh, I have a new MP3 player that I got for my birthday. I may as well put it to use!)

So what in God’s name is holding me back? I know I can do this. I’ve done it before. I keep harping on the time when I was pregnant and how I had this other life to look out for and that was essentially my inspiration. But, lately I’ve had to remind myself that I actually started on a healthier lifestyle before I got pregnant, that I was looking out for myself before I started looking out for the one who was borrowing my body. When I told people that I had diabetes they often looked at me with pity and I told them that it was actually sort of a blessing because it was getting me to do things that I needed to do anyway: eating right and exercising.

Ok, I feel like a complete broken record because I’ve blogged about this topic in the past. I just don’t really know *sigh* how to get back on track. I’m no longer frustrated with diabetes; I’m frustrated with myself.