Thursday, August 23, 2007

Confessions of a Mommy

More days than I can actually remember--but enough, obviously for me to take note--I feel like Goldie Hawn in Overboard staring off into space and chanting buh-buh-buh-buh.

My children simultaneously suck the life out of me and overwhelm me with thoughts of how I ever lived without them.

In an effort to add humor to situations so I don't literally explode, I have coined the phrase "If you don't stop, my head will explode and then there will be Mommy brains all over the wall and you'll have to clean it up." That usually gets a smile out of someone.

Many nights I'm so mentally exhausted after putting the kids to bed that I can barely think clearly enough to do the laundry. This has put a serious dent in my writing and photography aspirations. Recently looking back at some of the writing I accomplished in college, I actually surprised myself at how good I was and then wondered where that writer went.

I have a difficult time choosing which of the millions of projects I should undertake in the roughly 90 minutes I have "to myself" after the kids go to bed that I often sit on the couch chanting buh-buh-buh-buh. And then I decide to go to bed early because I'm too overwhelmed to do anything else.

I hate that I get short with my children because of my mental exhaustion.

I hate that I raise my voice.

I hate that I feel like I've ruined my children with my often short temper.

I hate that this seems like I'm blaming my children for my own shortcomings. I'm not.

I hate that I often don't have the mental energy to read books and say prayers with them before bed.

I hate that I feel like I'm a bad mommy because of all of this.

Sometimes I think I was put on this earth just to be their mommy; to shape and mold these three incredible people into more than I ever was or will be. That my struggles are actually making them into solid, strong people who will be positive contributors to our society.

I remember that I am a good mommy when one of the kids comes out of nowhere and says "Mom?" (Yeah, sweetie.) "I love you."


At 10:54 PM, Blogger Kassie said...

how funny to sit down to read blogs tonight and end up looking in the mirror, figuratively speaking.

Hang in there, chickie, and know that others are chanting buh-buh-buh right along with ya.

At 8:01 AM, Blogger Shannon said...

I chant buh buh-buh buh buh on nearly a daily basis (that is probably one of the funniest movie scenes ever, btw).

The only writing I get to do is on my blog which is why I'm on it all the time.

These early years of our children's lives are going to be the toughest, I feel. So we should all hold hands, and walk each other through it side by side as we all look out into space and say the "buh" chant together.

I don't think there's a mom out there who isn't in your shoes. And if they're not, then they are heavily medicated!


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