How to write a bad check

Step one: Happily relocate for husband’s job even though you don't have a job lined up.

Step two: Spend four months desperately searching for a job while burning through the large chunk of money you made selling your old house just trying to pay the bills.

Step three: Accept the job you think is the answer to your prayers. On day one, realize how wrong you were. Spend the next fourteen months being the most miserable you’ve ever been. Get used and abused the way no one should. Have baby No. 2.

Step four: Get fired.

Step five: Spend the next 12 months desperately searching for a job while maxing out every credit card you have just trying to pay the bills. Rely on your parents to supplement your unemployment payments. Start a newspaper using all journalism skills you have. Your lack of sales and marketing skills will make you fail miserably. Eventually borrow an enormous amount of money from your aging grandmother to pay off your credit cards.

Step six: Finally get the job that is actually the answer to your prayers. Rejoice! Get diagnosed with diabetes. Have baby No. 3.

Step seven: Realize your income is still much, much lower than what you owe. Cry. Try everything you know just to pay the bills. Cry. Rack up more credit card debt just trying to pay the bills. Cut out all extras including cable and cell phones. Don’t buy new clothes for yourself unless you get money as a gift. Worry all the time about how you’ll pay for daycare so you can go to work and about how you’ll pay for groceries until your next pay day.

Step eight: Spend most of your free time desperately searching for freelance work just to make ends meet.

Step nine: Become grossly behind on most of your bills and get within hours of having your electric cut off. Cry.

Step ten: Overspend on necessities—read: things you can’t live without, including amoxicillin for the baby who was just diagnosed with fluid in both ears—five days before payday hoping the checks go through. Realize you’ve spent more than your paycheck will be. Calculate the number of days until hubby gets paid. Cry. Pray for enough.

How to avoid a nervous breakdown

Step one: Eat lots of chocolate

Step two: Bark and the kids and husband

Step three: Eat lots of chocolate