Friday, February 24, 2006

Out of the mouths of babes

So I'm driving with my three-year-old daughter this evening. We're running errands: movies for movie night, milk for breakfast, dinner for movie night. We didn't leave the house until 6:15, but I had eaten absolutely horribly all day and knew my sugar was probably still high enough to get me through until a later-than-normal dinner. Actually, I didn't really think too much about my sugar and having a snack.

We browse the movie store and nothing sounds good, but I get something anyway so hubby and I have something to watch. As we're standing in line I feel a little shaky, but don't think much of it because I've been doing that lately and not really been low. It does occur to me, though, that I could be going low. I still think I can make it home, though. So we head off to the grocery store where I pick up some fudge, which I incidentally put back last time in an attempt to be good, but figured that tonight since I had eaten out at lunch and was eating out at dinner that why not go ahead and continue the trend with some fudge. See my logic?

So, I'm writing the check for three gallons of milk (which the four of us will go through in about three or four days), some cheap bourbon, two two liters of Dr. Pepper and the infamous fudge when I realize it's a little too hard to control the pen. I pay more attention to my hands, my legs, my eyes, my head...I'm definitely shaking. It's getting harder to keep myself from telling my daughter to just put a sock in it as she continually asks why she can't have any fudget yet. OK, I'm definitely low. And actually, what probably happened is that I crashed after devouring almost an entire 1/2 pound Hershey bar this afternoon in addition to the cheeseburger and tater tots for lunch. Ok, and there was a handful of M&Ms thrown in there somewhere, too.

We make it out to the car and after I strap the little one in, I grab a piece of the fudge while making a running commentary to myself partly to keep myself aware of what's going on and partly to just be talking to my daughter. So, when I say that I'm having a piece of fudge, she of course wants to know why she can't have any right now even though I've told her a thousand times that she can have some after dinner.

me: I'm going to grab a piece of chocolate so that I don't pass out (insert slightly sarcastic voice here).
her: Why? (in that you're-so-stupid kind of voice)
me: Because my blood sugar's low.
her: Oh. My blood sugar's low, too.

Ah, the mind of a three year old. Anything for some chocolate. She's a woman after my own heart. I love you, sweetie!

Getting to know me

10 firsts.
first girlfriend/boyfriend: Jimmy Thomas, second grade
first best friend: Amanda Rhodes. Jimmy dumped me for her
first screen name: Michko203
first kiss: That would be Jimmy, again
first crush: Park Williams
first music (CD): I think Air Supply
first car: Volvo
first stuffed animal: a teddy bear
first time you drove legally: February 1991
first Job: concessions at the St. Louis Zoo

9 lasts.
last cigarette: never really smoked, but did have a few in high school
last kiss: this morning
last movie seen: I think Robots

last cd played: Ravel's Bolero
last bubble bath: um…
last time you cried: probably Dec. 5, 2005; the day my daughter was born
last relationship: still going strong
last book read: I don’t read books. Isn’t that sad?
last place you visited on vacation: Branson, MO

8 have you evers.
have you ever dated one of your best friends: yes
have you ever skinny dipped: yes, in a public pool
have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: no
have you ever fallen in love: yes.
have you ever lost someone you loved: yes
have you ever been depressed: yes
have you ever lied: yes
have you ever been fired: yes

7 states you've been to.
1. Florida
2. Georgia
3. Illinois
4. Indiana
5. Nevada
6. California
7. South Carolina

6 things you've done today.
1. played on the computer
2. fed the baby
3. read lots of blogs
4. ate lunch
5. updated my blog
6. tested my blood sugar even when I didn't want to

5 favorite things in no order.
1. chocolate
2. springtime
3. thunderstorms
4. little kid laughs
5. my amethyst ring

4 people you can tell [almost] anything to (no order).
1. Marc
2. Amanda
3. Kym
4. Jill

3 wishes.
1. I wish I had no debt
2. I wish I had enough
3. I wish I eternal health and happiness for me and my family

2 things you want to do before you die.
1. write something big
2. retire at a logical age with financial security

1 thing you regret.
1. not writing more

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

How to write a bad check

Step one: Happily relocate for husband’s job even though you don't have a job lined up.

Step two: Spend four months desperately searching for a job while burning through the large chunk of money you made selling your old house just trying to pay the bills.

Step three: Accept the job you think is the answer to your prayers. On day one, realize how wrong you were. Spend the next fourteen months being the most miserable you’ve ever been. Get used and abused the way no one should. Have baby No. 2.

Step four: Get fired.

Step five: Spend the next 12 months desperately searching for a job while maxing out every credit card you have just trying to pay the bills. Rely on your parents to supplement your unemployment payments. Start a newspaper using all journalism skills you have. Your lack of sales and marketing skills will make you fail miserably. Eventually borrow an enormous amount of money from your aging grandmother to pay off your credit cards.

Step six: Finally get the job that is actually the answer to your prayers. Rejoice! Get diagnosed with diabetes. Have baby No. 3.

Step seven: Realize your income is still much, much lower than what you owe. Cry. Try everything you know just to pay the bills. Cry. Rack up more credit card debt just trying to pay the bills. Cut out all extras including cable and cell phones. Don’t buy new clothes for yourself unless you get money as a gift. Worry all the time about how you’ll pay for daycare so you can go to work and about how you’ll pay for groceries until your next pay day.

Step eight: Spend most of your free time desperately searching for freelance work just to make ends meet.

Step nine: Become grossly behind on most of your bills and get within hours of having your electric cut off. Cry.

Step ten: Overspend on necessities—read: things you can’t live without, including amoxicillin for the baby who was just diagnosed with fluid in both ears—five days before payday hoping the checks go through. Realize you’ve spent more than your paycheck will be. Calculate the number of days until hubby gets paid. Cry. Pray for enough.

How to avoid a nervous breakdown

Step one: Eat lots of chocolate

Step two: Bark and the kids and husband

Step three: Eat lots of chocolate

Friday, February 17, 2006

Allow me to eat crow

OK, I'm an idiot.

I actually Googled today: what is an endocrinologist. I had this feeling that these guys weren't sitting around waiting for just diabetics to come into their offices. OK, and I read someone else's blog talking about going to the endo on "diabetes day."

This is how incredibly new I am to this disease. I apologize for being a dumbshit. Next time, I'll look it up before I write about it.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

I finally have an endo

OK, yes, I know this sounds absolutely insane, but I've never been to an endo. Here's why. I was diagnosed last February. The more I think about it, the more I'm sure it was the day after my son's birthday. But anyway. And, actually, my diagnosis was "pre-diabetes." I was seeing a nurse practitioner (who was studying to be a diabetes educator) at that time because my only issue was hypothyroidism. So, I believe his diagnosis was based on a fasting BS of 127. I'm pretty sure that six months earlier my glucose level was only 103. Anyway. I knew nothing of diabetes, even though my 86-year-old grandmother had just been diagnosed, as well.

He says even though I'm not diabetic we should treat it as if I am. So, he starts me on Avandia, tells me to check my BS randomly once or twice a day and to modify my diet. I set up appointments with a nutritionist and the hospital's diabetes educator. But there's still not much education in terms of where my numbers should be. I remember asking on the ADA web site message boards if I was supposed to have a range of 70 to 110 always or just for fasting. I really had no clue what I was doing.

I got a rocky start, but started to do some learning and incorporated some healthier lifestyle choices, including a 30-minute walk every morning at 5:30. Two months later and close to 15 lb. lighter, I discover I'm pregnant (thank you Avandia!). So I immediately start care with my OB, perinatologist and a new certified diabetes educator, who I absolutely adore. She starts me on Lantus and a rigorous (compared to my random/whenever I felt like it) schedule of checking my BS and logging what I eat.

Talk about a crash course in diabetes. If I only knew in the beginning what I know now...

I made it through the pregnancy with flying colors and a healthy, average-sized baby girl--7 lb. 11 oz. at 39 weeks 4 days. It's not until two months later that I realize I really ought to at least touch base with an endocrinologist. I think it's been a year since I had my A1C checked. It was 7, by the way. So I asked my CDE for a recommendation and made the appointment this morning. (They must have people calling who don't have diabetes because both people I talked to asked if I had it. I'm like, uh, ye-ah.) So I'm anxious to see what he says and to see some blood test results.

The benefits of hindsight. I dug out my very first meter the other day from the top shelf of the bathroom closet. I figured I needed to have a backup handy, especially since I had run out of strips and my pharmacy closes early on the weekends. I started reading my old log book and was sort of shocked, actually. Now, remember, my official diagnosis in February 2005 was pre-diabetes. I knew very early on in my pregnancy, however, that I was just plain old Type II diabetic and was mis-diagnosed. Had my nurse practitioner done more testing, as I now believe he should have, it would have been blatantly obvious that my pancreas was out to get me. So the one reading that especially sticks out in my mind was a fasting BS of 248. Yes, 248. And I remember that day. It was a weekend. I'm pretty sure it was the first Saturday of Lent because we had gone to McDonald's for dinner--filet o fish and fries. I knew that was high, but didn't realize how bad that really was. Other post meal readings were consistently betwen 150 and 200. I think I knew I was getting better and that things were getting to be where they were supposed to, but like I said, I really had no clue.

Now, I do have a clue. Quite a few actually, but I'm still having a lot of trouble keeping myself in line. Yesterday I woke up and repeated to myself I will have good behavior today. I will have good behavior today. I will have good behavior today. I still found myself eating six granola bars (really, I have to stop buying them because I can't keep my hands off 'em!), dinner at McDonald's and a jumbo-size box of Whoppers. Yes, I felt like crap afterwards and was dying to take a walk. I would have even run around the block even though I hate to run.

I repeated my mantra this morning...good behavior, good behavior...and was almost immediately tested when I got to work. Someone brought brownies. Man, that's my vice. I can resist most things, but not chocolate. Then, someone took the top off the container and I could smell the chocolate. I could almost taste it. I said to myself: "You've had brownies before. You know what they taste like. Yes, they taste good, but you don't want it today." I was like Yoda. I feel proud of myself to have avoided those brownies. And even as I sit here writing this, I don't crave them.

So I'm looking back to that brief period of time before I got pregnant for inspiration. Because, although I keep telling myself that I wouldn't have been as in control for as long had I not been pregnant, which is probably a little true, I know that I am capable of controlling myself for myself because I actually did that once. And I was good at it.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Like a vice grip on my optic nerve

I have the world's worst headache. and it must really like me because it's been coming back most days for the last several weeks. i would understand if this was spring or summer. i could blame it on allergies then. but it's the dead of winter. in fact, although today's high in the middle of the country is supposed to be around 63, they're calling for yucky weather by the weekend. overnight lows of just 9 degrees. but i digress. so this headache is like a sinus/migraine/tension. i tried eating. didn't work. tried three extra strength tylenol. didn't work. the only thing left is to lie down. but i'm at work. i'm not leaving to feed the baby for at least two hours, so i can't even use that as a way to rest my eyes in the near future.

maybe i'll just crawl under my desk for 20 minutes...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

It's the simple things

Happy sixth birthday, Marcus!

5:18 a.m. -- wow, she didn't get up at 4:30...holy cow! she didn't get up at 4:30! oh my God, she slept all night!

5:20 a.m. -- can't sleep...she slept all night!

5:33 a.m. -- oh, shit...something's wrong. she didn't get up at 4:30. maybe i should check on her. please God, if she just makes one noise i won't get up to check on her. ok, she made a noise, i can go back to sleep.

5:48 a.m. -- man, isn't it time for me to get out of bed yet? maybe i should go ahead and shower now since i'm sure she'll be up any second... sleep. sleep. sleep.

5:59 a.m. -- whispers: honey. (snore) marc. (snore) honey! (what?) she slept all night. (really?) i'm going to get in the shower. (maybe you should feed her now so she doesn't get mad while you're in the shower.) ok, that sounds like a good idea. i'll just go potty first and brush my teeth.

somehow the bathroom manages to wake me up. wait. i want to see how long she'll sleep... a shower sounds good right now... i'll be quick...just wash the essentials and my hair.

6:10 a.m. -- my breasts feel like boulders. ugh! this is painful. but the hot, hot shower feels so good. and i'm leaking breast milk all over my feet. swell, but it does at least relieve the pressure ever so slightly. geez, i'm so flippin' lopsided!

6:20 a.m. -- shower's off. she's not screaming and i can still hear marc snoring. either she's still sleeping (SWEET!) or she's in bed with her daddy. i start to slow down now. take my time drying off (avoid the breasts), take my morning insulin and go into our room. she's not in our bed. oh, man, this rocks!

i walk past her crib, avoiding all the creaky floorboards. she's kicked all her blankets off; good thing i put her in heavy pj's last night. i flip on the night light. she looks almost like she's slipping between the mattress and the crib bars, but i think she's just got her arm tucked under the bumper pad. she starts to stir. i quickly slather some moisturizer on my face and hope that i can at least get some gel in my hair and my underwear on before she wakes up. the big kids are still sleeping and i know her morning wail will wake them. (frankly, i'm surprised marcus isn't up yet.) i flip the towel off my head, scrunch in some gel and scoop her up (good morning sleepyhead) with a smile. oh, thank God she's awake...i put her on the big boob and relish the relief.

now it's time to celebrate. where are the cookies?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Playing Tag

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:
1. Concessions at the St. Louis Zoo
2. Counter person at frozen yogurt store
3. Funeral home rep (Dad’s biz)
4 .Writer

Four movies I can watch over and over
1. Steel Magnolias
2. Terms of Endearment
3. Shawshank Redemption
4. Coal Miner’s Daughter

Four places I’ve lived
1. St. Louis, Mo.
2. Ingleside, Texas
3. Mexico, Mo.
(don’t move around much)

Four TV shows I watch
1. ER (old fave that I simply can’t give up)
2. Two and a Half Men (makes me laugh out loud)
3. Grey’s Anatomy (my new fave that I never miss!)
4. Dancing With the Stars

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Phoenix, Ariz.
2. Las Vegas, Nev.
3. Orlando, Fla.
4. Rehoboth Beach, Del.

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate
2. Steak
3. McDonald’s french fries
4. Cheese and crackers

Four Web sites I visit daily:
1. CNN
2. Diabetic Mommy
Hmmm…that’s all I can think of. I guess life is pretty boring.

Four places I’d rather be:
1. On vacation somewhere warm
2. On vacation somewhere free
3. Anywhere I can feel like a kid in a candy store
4. In bed sleeping

Friday, February 03, 2006

It's birthday season at my house

So, this is my first birthday with diabetes. It was Wednesday, actually. My birthday, that is. I was diagnosed around this time last year, but at least I got a birthday in. My son will be six next week. Man, the time flies. I got the diagnosis several days after his birthday last year.

So, seeing as I have a new lifestyle now, I decided not to make myself a birthday cake. This is a step out of tradition because I usually make a birthday cake for whoever's birthday it is. I thought I was doing really, really good all day Wednesday since I didn't have a cake sitting at home just waiting for me to eat the entire thing, which I probably would have. Anyway. So Wednesday night wound up being a little more stressful and disappointing that I had anticipated. I don't really expect much out of birthdays anymore. I'm 31 and they're just not what they used to be, you know? Anyway, so my husband is a funeral director and had to get a body so I had to eat my steak dinner alone. Well, my three-year-old was at the table with me playing her LeapPad, but still. So when hubby got home, I made a b-line for Sonic to get ice cream. I shouldn't have, but I was craving chocolate cake with chocolate ice cream and knew I had to get something in me or I'd burst. Well, I felt crappy afterwards. You know that I-ate-too-much-sugar-and-it-wasn't-really-worth-it feeling? Yeah, that's what I felt like. But I thought the ice cream would get the cake off my brain.

I was wrong. I couldn't get that damn chocolate cake and chocolate icing off my mind. So I went to WalMart last night to get a couple things after work and found myself in the bakery getting a f*%king chocolate cake! Ok, it wasn't really a big sheet cake or anything, but it was more than I needed. So I took it home and stuck it on the counter, scarfed down dinner (sausage, egg and cheese grilled sandwich a la my husband and so yummy!) and helped my son with his Valentines before watching Dancing With the Stars (my new guilty pleasure). I wound up eating that entire cake. Let me put the size in perspective, though, it was like the size of two pretty generous slices of a 9 x 13 cake. So we're not talking about anything totally outlandish here.

By the way, it was awesome. And totally worth it.

On the plus side, though, my fasting sugar was 102. I was surprised it wasn't much higher. And I haven't splurged all day. I wound up talking to co-workers for a bit as soon as I got to work, so I didn't even get my snack until mid-morning, which is actually when I should be eating, but tend to start pillaging as soon as I walk in the door.

So, like I said, I was jaw jacking with co-workers/friends this morning. Turns out that I haven't been privvy to some office gossip that's been going around for some time. And let me just say that I'm so freaking thrilled to not be involved in it. See, I had this job once where I got involved in gossip. Well, it was more like me and everybody dispising the boss and talking about her. So I vowed never to do that again. And I just realized this morning how un-complicated my work life is since I'm not involved in that crap.

Well, I've decided to torture myself this weekend. I'm driving the 45 minutes to the nearest mall to spend the birthday money mom gave me on new clothes. I've lost 50 lb. since my diagnosis and then got pregnant, so I'm in need of a new wardrobe. Actually, mom gave me money for Christmas, too, and I got quite a bit of clothes then. But I'm in need of a few more shirts. ANYWAY. To the torture part: I'm taking all three kids with me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm crazy, too. However, a co-worker friend of mine is going to watch the big kids for a couple hours for me while I shop so that it's not too much torture.

I hope they'll let me take some pictures of them this weekend, too. I don't have any really good ones of all three kids together. Need to get some more of the baby smiling, too.